What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 07:28
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Have your parents ever walked in on you?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was seconnd youngest,
Why do men prefer low-maintanence women?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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Ive learnt so much.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I never cut or harmed myself..
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One cannot live in the past .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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I don,t even have a pension.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
When she asked me how she looked .
Why do I sweat (mostly on face) when I eat usually spicy food?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Would this be the day?
So whats the point in blame.
So, i spoilt her more .
I said to her
What do you think about Anthony Scaramucci saying that JD in JD Vance stands for "Just Dull?"
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
What is your best and worst childhood memory? What was your biggest fear as a child?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He knew the spot.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She wouldn,t have been !
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We all went to grammer schools
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But it wasn’t much.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
All the time i was locked up.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She was in good health!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
(And it was in our own minds.)
This is soul school!.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She married twice! .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
What did i know ?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And i lived it daily.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I will be 64.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My life is so biszare .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She found it foreign!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I have no regrets .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We were not on the streets..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Who then, do I blame.?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Especially a lifetime of it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My family never makes their pension either.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was scared of men, in general
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But, we were locked up after school.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
It was going to be , some day.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I write beautiful poetry .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Put me off passion for life!!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im still living with it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She loved him until the end.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I waited trembling.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was 9 years of age.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was very sick at this time too.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I think the readers, may guess!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Comes on , in middle age.